Contentment.

He's almost two and a half. Today he let a stranger, a very sweet young girl, clip a helmet on him and put him on a pony. And he rode the pony around in a circle, on pavers, in front of the library. I didn't have a camera, and I couldn't capture his scared, excited little face. He had never seen a pony before, and he had no idea why we were there. I stood and watched him ride that pony all the way round, fighting tears the whole time, and feeling embarassed because ponies are so stupid. There was noone else to see it. Noone to turn to and say 'man, ponies are so lame until your own sweet little child is so brave and happy.' But I was enough. He gave me a really strong hug afterwards, and glowed with triumph.

I didn't even consider how the pony must have felt.
That's motherhood for you.

Later, there was music and we sat on the grass and listened and danced and I felt content. The air was warm and everything I needed and wanted was right there, I was exactly where I needed to be and with perfect company. Santosha -Contentment. I think it's a good one.

Things keep moving.

Prana:  life force, energy.

'A prana blockage is not really a blockage at all, but a deprivation. Prana avoids certain areas of the bodies, increasing at other sites.'

-My class notes, Sridhar Maddela

In this sense, Yoga is not really aiming to give us supple bodies and clear minds, although these are very real benefits. What we achieve is a circulation of prana, whereby our awareness of our bodies leads the life force through the energy channels (nadis), releasing these blockages which manifest as tension.

The more I study Yoga, the less interest I have in Asana -physical postures. What really influences our health is the state of our mind. 

This idea of maintaining a free flowing prana, relies on having a mind that is clear, relaxed and aware. This all sounds very nice in theory, but what does in mean to ME, in my life full of challenge and complexity and desire and people who really piss me off? 

It means that I strive to:

 'live in the world as life is lived here, but completely free of all sorrow. You may still express joy or suffering, but you will have the experience that you are not identified with that joy or suffering. Then you are free.' 

Vasistha, author of the Rig Veda, oldest of all yogic scriptures.

I'm not free. I identified with my suffering when i found out that the man that had recently left me, was with another woman, and very much in love. I ate chocolate. I drank wine. I had a hot bath and I cried. That pain didn't disappear the next day or the day after or even the day after that. But acknowledging that that pain is not me, is separate from me, and reigning in the identifying part of my lower mind (manas) that tries to escalate my thoughts into a whirlwind of negativity helps to keep me centred, here and now, with my breath entering and leavng my body. That breath which carries the prana to every far reaching corner of my body, and circulates. No feeling or thought is static, and all are free to come and go as they please.

That's where I'm at right now. It's a calm place, where change is accepted, things keep moving; I surrender. 

Life -that funny ol' dog.

Things have changed quite a lot around here. Seismically. Last night I jotted down a wee practice in gratitude. It went like this:

Suffering, in order of prominence:

1. 'Dadda is lost,' 'Dadda's gone,' 'I've lost my Dadda.' 1.-a being that Ravi experiences that loss, 1.-b being that I am the one that must support and navigate through that and 1.-c being that I might in some way-great or small- be responsible for that loss.

2. The empty realisation of having not been loved by the one I love for so (?) long.

3. The loss of my family, the one that we had created; the loss of that structure/stability.

Blessings, more or less in order of prominence also:

1. My sweet, sweet little boy and his joyous face.

2. Our safe, warm, dry home with abundant water, food, clean air and space.

3 The countless beautiful people in my life who love me and care for me and want the best for me -and for Ravi.

4. The privilaged access I have to education.

5. Yoga, although it should be higher on this list.

6. My youth, which means that many blessings are yet to come.

7. The freedom I have to choose the way I wish to live and experience every moment.

8. This warm feeling in my heart, that everything is going to be just fine.

9. The strength and courage I feel to create the future of my dreams.